"I ain't have no daddy around when I was growing up...

October 3, 2009

... thats why I'm wild & I don't give (what)"-  Tierra Marie


wanted to start this post on a lighter note.

I've been noticing lately a lot of men receiving praise for taking care of their children, and I mean bare minimum.

Isn't that what they're supposed to do??  If a man has a baby with a woman (willing or not, because if you didn't wanna run the risk of children you shouldn't be fcukin') then he is OBLIGATED to take care of his children.  At least a real man.

I don't get where the break down in the black family happened, but now I feel like it's irreversable.

My family destruction happened around the age of 12.  See, although my mom &&sperm donar never married he made an active effort to be in my life.  He came to school plays, my gynastics tournaments, the whole nine yards.  He was even playing daddy to my sister (we later found out that she has a different father than I)...

Then Vanessa happened... I remember this lady because for a long time I blamed her for the deterioration of my perfect little family.  This high- yellow, water head, bajan woman swept down && stole "daddy".  She had her own son, Damien, && they were all shacking up playing house.

While the visits became less frequent, the phone calls got shorter && shorter, until finally everything just stopped.  Now me being the stubborn person that I am (even back then) I felt like if my father missed me && wanted to see me, then he would.  It was that simple.  So I refused to call.  Refused to write.  I didn't ask that man for anything.

Needless to say, the child support suddenly became a problem for him after 15 years of it not being one.  I can never remember my parents being intimate (I guess they split before I was born) but there was always respect, I guess for my &&my sister's sake.  But I think that evil which was buzzin' in his ear && the respect was gone.

I can't respect anyone who disrespects their mother, the mother of their children, etc. so when I heard stories (once I was much older)  I got a sour taste in my mouth.  The man that use to play barbie with me &&talk me back to sleep after I've had a nightmare wanted nothing to do with me.

So I convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I guess it was the only way I could deal with it then.  The only way I could avoid being hurt.

Years pass.  I'm 20 years && away at school at this point when my mother gives me a phone call.  My sperm donar had requested her on myspace.  WTF??!?! Really? Myspace?

He had sent her a message about wanting to contact my sister && I.  So many thoughts rushed through my head.  Why now? What's so different?

I accepted his friend request && exchanged cell numbers with him because I didn't want this to control me any longer.  We spoke maybe twice.  He wanted me to come visit him on spring break in Delaware.  Here I thought he was still living in Brooklyn.  He also wanted me to meet Daron, my three year old brother.

I was so hesitant.  I didn't wanna see him, Daron, Damien or Vanessa.  He had explained to me that Vanessa was no longer in the picture.  Was this why you had sudden interest in the family you left behind?? Hmm.

I didn't go see him.  As much as I thought I could handle it, I couldnt.  As much as I thought I was ready to deal with this && move on, I wasn't.  I haven't spoken to him since.

I am now 21, about to be 22 & have had no father figure for the majority of my life (besides my mom, she has been both parents for me =)).  But this leads me to ask these questions:

  1. Does not having a father in your life affect your ability to interact with the opposite sex?
  2. Do you think it distorts your views on what 'family' is supposed to look like?
  3. Does it make you more inclined to having a broken family of your own someday??
the same goes for not having a mother around, but that doesn't apply in my case.

My point, I think, is love your family.  Learn from your parent's mistakes.  Always try, don't ever half-ass anything.

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