death to the party girl.

I'm giving up on having a social life...

How is it that I live in "the city that never sleeps" but I'm always bored??

Class. Home. Homework. Blog. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Occassionally I go visit the BF in PA, but that's not hardly often enough to keep me entertained.

I attempted to go out last night, but my ride got a flat on the FDR so I was convinced I wasn't meant to go anywhere. Plus it was raining like shit.

I'm gonna try again on New Years (day). Here's what I think I might wear.

I'm so over being uncomfortable in a party (heels && the tight dress might die in 2009 for me). I'm a little iffy tho, don't wanna be the only chick in sneakers in the club, tho its gonna be a greek event so I'll wanna be able to move...

what do y'all think?  my BF is gonna be there && I don't feel the need to impress anybody, so...


later dweebs

Read more...

lost little girl- the poem

You know what's wrong with you?
You think there's nothing wrong...
Up in the club, grinding to every song.
While your three kids are at home,
Being raised by the tv, no adults, they're all alone.

Now the cycle continues && its a shame,
Ur daughters missing class to spread her legs lookin for fame...
She has no self esteem, && that's her dream
Mommy wasn't there && daddy couldn't cut it...
So she does what she does, tellin her conscience to shut it.

Now what do you do?
Step in and save her?
That won't stop her wild behavior...
Cuz if you can do it, so can she.
Won't stop, unless she catches that HIV.

Time for change,
Cuz this all seems strange...
Bxtches pride themselves on their bodies,
Whatever happened to ur mind? Dislikes? And hobbies?

He won't respect you,
And neither will I...
Cuz this ain't you,
Ur living a lie...

Read more...

rambles.

My mom, my sis, and I went on a shopping spree on saturday (my sister's treat ;) )  && got some really cute stuff.  I CANT WAIT TIL CHRISTMAS... I know I sound like a big ass kid, sue me.

So I took a placement test with the US Census Bureau on  Sunday.  They said we should aim towards the high 80's... I scored a 97% hopefully I'll be getting that phone call...

Best part is, my test administrator says they don't do random drug testing (in case I wanna take up old habits).  I blame Kid Cudi, been bumpin his songs a lot lately....

My semester is almost over and I'm looking at all A's, maybe one B...

I miss my boyfriend, though he's been pissing the fcuk off lately.  Won't be seeing his high yeller ass til New Years, sux right? I know.

My sister is home from school, now it feels even more crowded than it was.  I really need to get my own place.

::sigh::

there's not much going on with me, I need a muse.  Something to motivate/inspire me...

I need a girls night out.  Maybe one day soon.

later dweebs.

Read more...

"Mama, you know I love you"...

I always loved that song (by Boyz II Men if you didn't know)

Anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!!!!!

Today is my mother's birthday and I thought I would do a post about why mother is mu best friend... Instead Im just going to leave y'all with some of her infamous quotes, then you'll know why i respect her g (lol)

"If people don't like you, FCUK EM"

"Have you ever wanted for anything? NO, you always get what you want"

"Remember, you don't need anybody... except me"

"The same bxtches that put you down before will make they're way back around. Don't give em the chance."

.....the list could go on and on

My mom is the realest, sincerest, funniest, honest woman I know...  I wanna be like her when I grow up. =)

Read more...

real recognize real... in theory

When will people realize that we have choices in life?  And when will people admit that they've made some bad choices??

trust me things would  be so much easier if we  kept it as real with ourselves as we claim to do with others...


food for thought.

Read more...

18 things to know....

found this via kiss.the.pen

:1: MY EX- just doesn't get it.

:2: MAYBE I SHOULD- start over, however I would go about doing that....

:3: I LOVE-funny & genuine people, writing/blogging, eating, sleeping, && being me =)

:4: PEOPLE WOULD SAY THAT I'M- not what they expected me to be.

:5: I DON'T UNDERSTAND- plenty of things, but I've just about given up on trying to understand.

:6: WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING- I hope &&pray things will go my way.

:7: I LOST- my ability to relate.  I can't seem to relate to anyone because I think no one understands me...

:8: LIFE IS FULL OF- mistakes, get over it && go make your next one.

:9: MY PAST IS- what made me who I am, wouldn't change it for the world.

:10: I GET ANNOYED WHEN- people don't listen.  Communication is key.

:11: PARTIES ARE-not what they use to be...

:12: I WISH- I didn't stress the small stuff as much...

:13: DOGS- scare the shit outta me

:14: CATS- are lazy, at least mine is...

:15: TOMORROW-I will do the same things I did today.

:16: I HAVE LOW TOLERANCE- for ignorance.

:17: IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS- I would pay off my student loans, my mom's bills.  Put her in a nice ass house, get me my barbie dream house/car, &&rock out til I find my Ken.

:18: IM TOTALLY TERRIFIED- of being alone && poor.

feeling like you know me a little better?

Read more...

sad (not really) realization

As my loyal followers would know, I just spent the weekend visiting the hubby && I had a great time!

I won't get into details, well cuz those are for me to enjoy in my private time ;)

But anyways, today on my 6 hour bus ride (blame greyhound they make a 2 hour trip into 17 hours j/k) I decided to put my ipod on shuffle...

Now when the ipod usually comes on I play Beyonce first, it doesn't matter the time of day, my mood, who I'm with, I'm bumpin Beyonce.

But today, something told me to try something different.

So I did.

For some reason a bunch of slow r&b, angry, sad, break up music kept coming on. 

• Keisha Cole- I Shoulda Cheated
• Beyonce- Resentment
• Monica- Shoulda Known Better

the list could go on && on...

But the one thing I realized as I lost myself in the music (something I can only do in a moving vehicle appearently lol): I'm happy.

I am a content relationship wise (everything else still has me wanting more) and this is rare.  Usually there's something bad for me to dwell on or try to find flaws in the guy.
I am my own worst enemy.  I try to find ways to destroy my own happiness. I don't know why, but I do.  I start arguments.  I run away from relationships when they get too hard.  && I've been too afriad to admit it to myself.

But not this time.  I've noticed a change in me when weeks have gone by && we haven't argued lol.

What do you guys think?  Do you think this is a problem most women have in one way/shape/form/fashion?
I think we let too many outside influences come in between us && what we really want that we become accustom to not being happy/fulfilled...

Idk, its late && im rambling.
good night.

Read more...

psycho babble.

I'm visiting my boyfriend away at his school && I started to reflect on our relationship.  I compare it to other people && their relationships, not because I am unhappy, but because I am a female && we tend to do these irrational things.

Any way.  I watched how couples who weren't having sex destroy their relationship by having sex.  Some people may argue that sex doesn't change anything but I beg to differ.

If you take the time out to get to know your bf/gf (&& I mean a few months at the very least) and you get to appreciate their company && personality then if something major happened (idk they lose their job,  or are crippled... know I'm an extremist) because you care for their being wouldn't you be more likely to stand by them then...

If you guys were only having sex?? If the only connection you have with a person is a physical one then when they're looks start to fade, wouldn't the connection also??

My point is people (especially my generation) need to slow with claiming people as their bf/gf when they barely know 'em.  And they damn sure need to slow down when it comes to fcukin' && suckin'

This is just my opinion of course && I have my own reasons for the random post...
hehehe

Read more...

my weekend.

My week end was chaotic, to say the least.

I went down to Maryland to visit some family.  This wasn't a casual visit, instead it was a stressful one.  My grandmother is back in the hospital.  Last winter she had a heart attack followed by a mild stroke.  She was pronounced dead for 45 minutes.

Then they resusitated her.

That was the saddest/happiest day of my life.  Any ways, sense then her health has been slowly fading.  She had a check a up with the doc && they told her she needed a blood tranfusion. So my family packed up && shipped out.

Luckily when we got there she was ok.  My crack head 2nd cousin (seriously she's on crack) had blown the situation way outta proportion && I was done with her before I had even started.

On the lighter note, I got to go to Walmart.  Being from NY (the closest one is in Queens which is a hour &&change away driving) and I got two really cute tops.

Don't sleep on walmart!  I find some really cute stuff everytime I'm there.  =)

My aunt cooked sunday dinner, after pissing me off.  She's the type that has a PhD in everything.  SO she brings up my father && tells me how I'm a bad daughter because I'm making no effort to mend our relationship.  DONT GET ME STARTED!

I got a phone call for a job interview on wednesday.  This'll be my first real job.  It's salaried, includes paid vacation time, and FULL TIME.

needless to say I could use the 5 figures lol.  But what will I do about school? My life just got real complicated outta no where.

Me && the hubby made plans to see each other this week =D
He's in PA && i'm in NY.  We haven't seen each other in two months, I hate long distance relationships...
But he's worth it (til he makes me mad lol)

I got a paper due so I'm outtie.  But let me know how you guy's  week end went.

Read more...

"I ain't have no daddy around when I was growing up...

... thats why I'm wild & I don't give (what)"-  Tierra Marie

LOL

wanted to start this post on a lighter note.

I've been noticing lately a lot of men receiving praise for taking care of their children, and I mean bare minimum.

UMMMM...

Isn't that what they're supposed to do??  If a man has a baby with a woman (willing or not, because if you didn't wanna run the risk of children you shouldn't be fcukin') then he is OBLIGATED to take care of his children.  At least a real man.

I don't get where the break down in the black family happened, but now I feel like it's irreversable.

My family destruction happened around the age of 12.  See, although my mom &&sperm donar never married he made an active effort to be in my life.  He came to school plays, my gynastics tournaments, the whole nine yards.  He was even playing daddy to my sister (we later found out that she has a different father than I)...

Then Vanessa happened... I remember this lady because for a long time I blamed her for the deterioration of my perfect little family.  This high- yellow, water head, bajan woman swept down && stole "daddy".  She had her own son, Damien, && they were all shacking up playing house.

While the visits became less frequent, the phone calls got shorter && shorter, until finally everything just stopped.  Now me being the stubborn person that I am (even back then) I felt like if my father missed me && wanted to see me, then he would.  It was that simple.  So I refused to call.  Refused to write.  I didn't ask that man for anything.

Needless to say, the child support suddenly became a problem for him after 15 years of it not being one.  I can never remember my parents being intimate (I guess they split before I was born) but there was always respect, I guess for my &&my sister's sake.  But I think that evil which was buzzin' in his ear && the respect was gone.

I can't respect anyone who disrespects their mother, the mother of their children, etc. so when I heard stories (once I was much older)  I got a sour taste in my mouth.  The man that use to play barbie with me &&talk me back to sleep after I've had a nightmare wanted nothing to do with me.

So I convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I guess it was the only way I could deal with it then.  The only way I could avoid being hurt.

Years pass.  I'm 20 years && away at school at this point when my mother gives me a phone call.  My sperm donar had requested her on myspace.  WTF??!?! Really? Myspace?

He had sent her a message about wanting to contact my sister && I.  So many thoughts rushed through my head.  Why now? What's so different?

I accepted his friend request && exchanged cell numbers with him because I didn't want this to control me any longer.  We spoke maybe twice.  He wanted me to come visit him on spring break in Delaware.  Here I thought he was still living in Brooklyn.  He also wanted me to meet Daron, my three year old brother.

I was so hesitant.  I didn't wanna see him, Daron, Damien or Vanessa.  He had explained to me that Vanessa was no longer in the picture.  Was this why you had sudden interest in the family you left behind?? Hmm.

I didn't go see him.  As much as I thought I could handle it, I couldnt.  As much as I thought I was ready to deal with this && move on, I wasn't.  I haven't spoken to him since.

I am now 21, about to be 22 & have had no father figure for the majority of my life (besides my mom, she has been both parents for me =)).  But this leads me to ask these questions:

1. Does not having a father in your life affect your ability to interact with the opposite sex?
2. Do you think it distorts your views on what 'family' is supposed to look like?
3. Does it make you more inclined to having a broken family of your own someday??

the same goes for not having a mother around, but that doesn't apply in my case.

My point, I think, is love your family.  Learn from your parent's mistakes.  Always try, don't ever half-ass anything.

Read more...

spoken word.

HOT

Read more...